Today, I am starting a new feature … ‘Readers Queries’. These will be questions from readers and my actual response to them. The questions cover a range of topics and will be answered with my own unique and weird advice. Please note, that all names and personal information will be removed and all emails will be genuine.
QUESTION: Just watched the interview with Elliott Hulse and well.. I came here afterward and clicked the “First time here?” link.
It said “Talk to me using this Form and let me know what your biggest problem is just now, how can I help you sort it?”
So here it goes mate, and it’s nice to finally vent this shit out. I got kicked out two years ago at the age of 17. I now live with my grandma. She wants to kick me out too, because she can’t handle my attitude. I love my mother, because she’s my mother, but hate her because of what she did and can’t let it go. I just get angry when we talk now. Even thinking of it makes me mad.
I quit college because it’s not what I really wanted to do in life. I don’t know what I want to do. But it’s not that anymore. I’m pretty sad and depressed, but keep it in. I don’t get real happiness from anything and would rather just be lethargic and sit around and mope and pretend to be happy.
Like the video says, I’m the guy who thinks too much but never does, and I’m scared of jumping in head first. There’s so much I’d like to do but… the excuse usually comes to finances. I have no money. zilch.
Thanks for the message, I’m really glad you found the site and appreciate you listening to the interview with Elliott. I hope you enjoyed it.
I could really relate a lot to what you wrote. Until I discovered the joy of blogging, I was quite an angry young man and had little interest in the world and felt pretty much out of control and swept along with life, instead of enjoying it. There is always hope and every moment is a chance to start again. Here is what I would recommend:
- Find a Purpose or Outlet for your energy: For me, I felt completely lost. I had tried to be like all my other friends to it in, I had tried drink to hide my true feelings and none of it was working. I tried a list of things to see what I enjoyed doing and got nowhere until I tried blogging. You need to do the same. Sit down and write an honest list of what you enjoy in lie. Not what others tell you to enjoy or what you THINK you should like to fit in, just write a list of things that YOU enjoy. It could be juggling, the guitar, writing, rock climbing, poetry or whatever. The thing is that you can honestly say it is something that you want to do. You may need to try all of the list to see what resonates with you but eventually something will click and you will enjoy it.This serves two purposes. First, it gives you something to enjoy, to spend time doing something instead o mopping about so you feel more confident, you feel like you have meaning and you have something to focus your energies on. Secondly, it takes your attention away from the story that you are currently living. By focusing on something new, you change the story of ‘angry, depressed guy’ to ‘guy looking for his calling’. I know it sounds very new age and ‘out there’ but since I found the joys of blogging and helping people, I can feel better about myself as I know I am doing something I want to in my life and it is something that gives me pleasure – I’m no longer trying to please others or live my life for them. The anger is there as you feel out of control and without purpose. Start trying things and see how it affects you. You don’t need money. You can see your local youth centres for events on, start reading good books at the local library, visit museums, your local council will have free events on and so on. Look to use your outward anger and turn it inside as energy to become the best version of you that you can be.
- Consider CBT: CBT is Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Its a type of talking treatment where you have a chance to talk to non judging expert, with no family pressure, and she helps you to reframe your thoughts, deal with issues and so on. In some places you will need to be referred to a doctor but a lot of places offer free treatment but for free it would be better coming via your doctor. I have used CBT for repetitive thoughts I had (I have OCD) and it really helps. You sit in a room and basically just chat. You say how you feel and she offers insights into where this may stem from, what you can do differently and so on. Just talking about it can really help. It allows you to organise the thoughts in your head, let out some of the anger you have been holding inside you, get someone else’s opinion and so on. You can do this with a college teacher (if you are still in contact with them), a friend, another relative, even your Gran. Family want to be there for you and maybe your Gran needs to know where this stems from (even writing it down to her can help if you can’t say it without getting angry).
- Go to the gym: I have never felt better physically as well as mentally since I started at the gym. Yes, working out gives you muscles but it also gives you confidence within yourself and also it is a good method to release anger from outside into pushing, pressing and lifting weights. When I come out of the gym, I feel calm as I have left the majority of my problems behind in the gym. A good starting training programme would be something like Stronglifts.com (a lot you can do at home) or you could google bodyweight exercises like pushups, pullups, body weight rows and the like. Just hit ‘bodyweight exercises’ into google and you’ll find heaps.
- Try Meditation: Look into trying meditation. Its basically when you sit and try and just let thoughts happen and instead o fighting them, just accept them as they come and let them go. It really helps, as I know from personal experience, to calm the mind, let issues slowly lose their strength as you stop fighting them and just accept them and it leaves you calm and relaxed. There are a lot of ways to meditate and even a minute or two a day can really help. I’d advise googling how to meditate and picking the option that best suits you. I use an iphone app called headspace. They have a website too I think that may show ways you can do it online if you don’t have an iphone.
- Let time pass with your mother: You will remain angry at your mum until you deal with the issues you have regarding her and her kicking you out. This doesn’t make you a bad person, bad or wrong. We all have our own demons that we have to deal with. You have taken a great first step in looking for help, that is to be applauded. For me, it was going to a doctor about my OCD. Few ever look to resolve their problems. What we think about is given strength by our minds. If you continually think about how you were treated by your mum, then your anger gets strengthened. We need to change how you look at the whole situation and what you will do from now on. Let’s change your story. What happened with your mum can be fixed (obviously I don’t know the full story but blood is a strong bond). Lets take your focus off the pain and instead look to what is good in your life and what you want to do as a strong, awesome man. You may have made mistakes in the past but you don’t have to live with the effects all your life. You are obviously maturing as you want to resolve internal issues. Be proud of how far you have come. Look forward to what you can become in the future.
- Ok you quit college and what are you going to do now? Do you want to work? Can’t get a job then volunteer? Is there another course you can do? What job or career would you like to try? If you can’t find work, contact your local job centre and ask them about training opportunities and what they can do to help. There are typically schemes that can get you back into work.
- Lay off alcohol and drugs. It may seem like a good thing at the time to forget about your issues but they rarely help and instead will screw up your mind and make you think poorly. Instead try to eat good, real food, drink plenty of water, exercise, read good books, watch little TV but only stuff you really enjoy, start taking up new hobbies and volunteer etc. What we need is for you to break the habits and bad lifestyle choices you may have been living. Albert Einstein once said that ‘the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result’. Therefore, we need you to do something different and really snap you out of your pain and change your life for the better. Listen to the interview with Elliott again for some ideas.
- Use NLG guys as role models. Something that really helped me was acting like guys from films – one of the reasons why I started the site. Watch guys who are Next Level Guys and copy the good things into your life and reject what doesn’t work for you. Read some of the articles I have on the site for ideas on what you can do. Oh and recommend topics for me to write about or films you want to see written about. I love hearing from my readers.
- Real happiness will come but it will take work. Don’t pretend anymore. By pretending to be happy, you are creating a false sense of identity. You need to do as you feel the real you and from your gut. If you are unhappy then say so. If someone angers you (calmly) say so. If someone wants you to do something and you don’t want to, say why and say no to them. Stop pretending. Listen to the real AW inside. Your gut will tell you what you really think and feel. You only get one chance at this life mate and I want you to have the best life possibly. you may have made mistakes but you can change. Right now if you want. Look up Brent Smith (lifestyle coach) on youtube (he also does a free coaching thing on sundays but I can’t remember where but google will say). Brent explains about how we carry pain etc by the story we accept about ourselves. We believe this story and a lot of times it is completely wrong but we live it anyway. Brent ascertains that we can change our story and therefore our lives as soon as we want to. His stuff is good, check him out.
- It took m ages to ‘jump in’ and blog, hell even longer to post audio interviews! You seen some of the negative remarks I got? I would never have posted that (or even asked Elliott to record it) a while ago. I used to be terrified of everything and my life but I took baby steps. I started small. I got better with women by being sociable and chatting to everyone (cashiers, postmen, guys at my work, girls I didn’t fancy and did and so on) and slowly I got more confident and more social and it made me better with women in effect (see RSDNation.com if you want to get better with women, its an awesome site). Fear will come always. Your brain has three sections. One of the sections is the lowest section of the brain that has a basic job to keep you safe and alive. However, it hasn’t really evolved since the caveman days. It still thinks there is snakes and lions everywhere, it doesn’t understand that, for example, rejection from a girl is nowhere near the same as being chased from a lion. It just wants to keep you safe. you therefore need to show it PROOF, not thoughts, PROOF that you can do these things and stay safe and then the fear will lessen a bit. You do a bit more and it will lessen even more and so on. Then your comfort zone will be expanded and you will become even more badass till you reach the limits of your comfort zone and then you repeat the technique. I have details about this sort of stuff on the site.
I could go on here but I think that this is plenty to be getting on with. You don’t need money for pretty much any of this. Send me an email in and let me know how you are getting on or ask a friend or a family member if you can report to them to keep you accountable and taking action (google accountability partner). Feel free to send me an email anytime mate. You took the first step, now take the next one and the next etc towards becoming the next level version of yourself.
Keep reading the articles and please comment on them and let me know what you think.
Hope this helps mate and I look forward to hearing from you.