Today we have something a little different. This installment of the interview series is with someone, who disagrees with the Alpha Male concept and argues that we should be taking another path in life. Have a read and let me know what you think …
Alpha Male #4 Ryan Jakovljevic
Where is he normally? You can find him at Don Juaninc – right click and open in a new window please!
Why should I care about what he has to say? Ryan is a genuinely nice guy, who really cares and helps guys become the men they want to be. He may not believe in the Alpha Male concept (see below) but he talks from personal experience and from his convictions which is something to be respected. He covers a range of great topics on his site and his site has a low BS, nice looking theme with regular updates … what more could you want? Check it out but in a new tab please! 🙂
AME: Hi Ryan, thanks for taking the time to talk to us. For those of us who don’t know you, can you give us a brief intro about yourself and how you got into the whole ‘getting better with women’ thing?
RJ: Around 13 or 14 years old, when all my friends started dating girls and having sex for the first time, I was doing other things. I wish I could say it was something cool like sports or whatever, but realistically it was more like playing video games or stealing people’s lawn gnomes. Up until I was 17, I had never even made out with a girl, and I was starting to freak out about it. I met a girl by chance and dated her for 3 years, but I found out she cheated on me a bunch and we split.
It really fucked me up on a deep level, and I tried counseling but the only people available for free were terribly under qualified – they were people with 3 month therapy certificates and such. A proper PhD psychologist in Canada bills out at around $185 an hour, and once I by chance got to see one, but he seemed so stiff and professional. It was really hard to relate and achieve progress so I became severely depressed.
I came across “The Game” while searching for answers, and although I now have an intense dislike of the PUA community, it helped get me started. I learned that there were basic principles of social interaction, that unhealthy beliefs, values, and behaviours are all caused by unhealthy experiences and with proper time and effort can be corrected. I enrolled in university and started working toward my PhD in counseling psychology, and started going out 5-6 nights a week to approach women.
After years of studying psychology and actively dating, I started a business to provide an affordable service that was unavailable when I needed it after my breakup. I found an incredible, beautiful girlfriend who I’ve been living with happily for 3 1/2 years now, and make my living helping men with all sorts of issues related to lifestyle, dating, and relationships.
AME: We are quite similar in terms of background. It’s great that you actually built a business around dealing with your past pains and helping others sort out their issues. Talking of guys psychology, what in your opinion is an Alpha Male and beta male? What are the characteristics he has etc?
RJ: I think the whole concept of being an alpha male is bullshit. My friends are amazing people who are very successful and get with lots of hot girls, but there is no alpha male among us. No guy is the dominant figure of the group. We are on equal ground, as is any other man I meet who treats me in a respectful way. Being an alpha male is by definition being the most dominant figure in a social group, and since we don’t have strictly defined social groups like wolves do it’s very difficult to say anyone is alpha.
Trying to be alpha is itself a beta act, so the best way to be what most people typically consider alpha is to drop the concept of alphaness altogether. Just saying it, writing it, or thinking about it makes me feel like a dweeb. It’s something completely unnecessary, and people who pursue it are extremely insecure and in my opinion are suffering from a severe misunderstanding of social dynamics, interpersonal relationships and attraction. The idea that women need an alpha guy is bizarre to me; being an alpha male is NOT the same thing as being confident, having the balls to stand up for yourself etc.
You don’t need to be an alpha male to get women. There’s no such thing as an alpha male. I don’t even want to talk about this anymore, it just frustrates the hell out of me thinking about all the basement dwellers out there trying to “be alpha” and getting laughed at by everyone for being such a huge dork. It makes my job hard because I have to unwire all this stuff before I can get people to start realizing progress.
This is one of the huge misconceptions that makes me hate “pickup” and the culture associated with it. The quest for alphaness … jesus christ… what it results in is guys trying to be dicks, being hyper sensitive to any perceived threat and reacting in an over the top way in order to “secure dominance” and all kinds of shit like that. The guys who are classically considered alpha put zero thought into embodying it; they’re just guys who are very comfortable with themselves and are very socially intelligent. If you asked them how they became alpha males they would laugh at you and ask you what the fuck you’re talking about.
If I had a dolorian for one day, I would go back and run over the guy who started all this bs. Garbage, unhealthy, counterproductive mentality; I wish people would drop it already.
AME: Thanks for the opinion. For me, the Alpha Male concept was to get guys to believe that they were someone of value and could aspire to go to the top if they wanted. I’m beginning to notice some severe negative connotations that are associated with the terms and even though the concept has a lot of positives, I think the negatives will always be too strong. So forgetting about Alphas and betas for now, if you had to give 3 tips to someone completely new to get good at this game with women fast, what would they be?
RJ: Accept that you are not getting the results you want in your life because you do not possess adequate knowledge to do so, and not because of random things that are outside of your control.
2. Don’t try to form roles, alter egos, or identities. Work on yourself and removing social conditioning and limiting beliefs from your life. Ignore the PUA community and all the egos and nonsense associated with it.
3. Figure out why you want to “develop game”. It’s not women – it’s never women. It has to do with a deep sense of dissatisfaction with yourself and who you are at a very deep level. The quicker you identify this and form an action plan to resolve it, the quicker you will see progress.
AME: Some good tips there. The Internet has a lot of tips and hints but a lot of people’s mistakes come from what they are already doing, not what they need to do. If you had to pick three things that the average guy does wrong in gaming girls (or life in general), what would you pick?
RJ: Being a loser. Displaying validation seeking behaviour. Developing an ego and joining a community of guys developing egos, and assigning worth to people based on how much they get laid.
2. Not being aware of their system of values and beliefs, where their values and beliefs came from, and not taking the time to design a system of values and beliefs that will facilitate the creation of a lifestyle they desire.
3. Not valuing the right things. Getting laid does not make you cool. Posting pictures with random girls and statuses about kissing or having sex with girls does not make you cool. Being a solid person and bringing real value to the table are the best goals you could have.
If you had to pick three things that the average chode does wrong in gaming girls (or life), what would they be?4. Getting defensive and clinging to their worldview. It’s likely you are where you are because your worldview sucks. If people say you’re being a dork, don’t get defensive, consider that they might be right. Trying to be alpha forces people to be all “Haha.. right bro.. I’m a dork.. I got 3 kiss closes tonight.. I’m so alpha” instead of going “Yeah, maybe I am being a douche. How can I improve myself?”
AME: So who DO you look up in today’s entertainment and society? Are there people you do consider ‘Alpha’ or even role models?
RJ: There are guys I admire and aspire to be like; Frank Sinatra, George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Clive Owen, and Robert Downey Jr. are all great examples. I refuse to use the “A” word anymore, it weirds me out.
AME: Your site has some great articles. For someone new visiting, hat do you consider your three best videos/articles that they should check out straight away?
RJ: I would say
AME: Some good links there. Finally, a much loved question. Can you tell me any tips you have found that shouldn’t work but do – the ones that sound so stupid and absurd that go against what people traditionally think works but they do get results (e.g. ignoring a girl makes her work harder to get you)
RJ: BE YOURSELF! If you can’t be yourself and be successful, transform yourself into someone who can. This is NOT accomplished by using lines, routines, dressing like a stage magician, or using catchy nicknames. It’s accomplished by lots of introspection, work with a mentor or coach, and lots and lots of more introspection. Improving your lifestyle sets the groundwork, the next step is addressing unhealthy values and beliefs that lead to lacking the balls necessary to approach women in the first place, and finally going out and talking to women, getting the experience caps it all off. “Game” is skipping or briefly addressing the first two issues and going straight to number three.
I have yet to see a guy who says he has sick game dating a legit hot, high quality, cool girl. Guys look up to instructors from big companies but when you see the girls most of them are getting with it’s embarrassing. There’s a handful of dudes in the whole industry who are actually cool and get with legit girls… for the most part the advice that’s out there just doesn’t work and misses the point entirely. It’ll get you laid, but it won’t help you lockdown marriage material.
AME: Thanks for talking to me Ryan. I certainly agree with the last answer. There are too many people who feel that they need to trick women into bed using lines and other ‘tricks’ as they don’t value themselves to believe they are attractive enough. I hope that this site is helping guys adopt characteristics that are bettering their lives and feeling better about themselves. However, the comments you made about Alpha Males, although going against my site philosphy, actually got me thinking. I have been considering changing the site focus for a while now back to cool characters in entertainment and real life, which was the concept originally. Next up, I’m going to see what my readers really want from this site … keep an eye out guys for the chance to tell me what you think about the site!
If you’ve liked this dude and would like to keep up-to-date with what he’s doing, click on the following links to find his stuff: